If you’ve ever spent some time in a bar or club you’ve probably seen the guy that’s engaging in some sort of behavior that makes you question if your right for wanting to drag him outside by his faux-hawk, douse him in gasoline, and flick your cigarette at him.

If your sneaking into bars underage you probably are this guy.

Which ever the case may be I present the following as a public service to stop the current and future bar going generations from making these moronic mistakes that do little more than enrage your fellow man.

The “That Guy” List

1.”Trying To Pick Up the Obviously Uninterested Girl” Guy

“Trying To Pick Up the Obviously Uninterested Girl” Guy walks into the bar and proceeds to raise his Blood Alcohol Content higher then total fucking cost of the war on terror and the war on drugs combined. After sufficiently irritating the shit out of everyone in his immediate vicinity with uncalled for high fives and full on man hugs, he locks in on the lady in which he has the least possible chance of scoring with. In his current state of inebriation he begins to bore his target into a coma with tales of the following:

• The “wicked sick party” that he and his roommates threw last weekend.
• What his father/mother does for a living.
• His Honda Civic
• His major.
• His Love of her major.
• His Love of everything she loves.
• His Love for her.
• The supernal connection he knows she can feel between them.

After about twenty minutes of contemplating suicide as viable option of escape the lady wants out. This generally leads to the involvement of bar security. This is where “That Guy” really shines. “Trying To Pick Up the Obviously Uninterested Girl” Guy, will now try to convince the bouncer/doorman that he and this young woman are indeed friends and have been so for quite a while. Not realizing that when he took his last trip to pisser the object of his affection offered everything but a party in her rectum to be saved. Try as he might “That Guy” simply cannot understand why this woman wants to be saved from him and refuses to let her be. Which usually ends up with “That Guy” being asked to leave the premises.

2.”Pick a Fight With The Sober Bouncer Two Times Your Size” Guy

“Pick a Fight With The Sober Bouncer Two Times Your Size” Guy is sometimes a direct result of a bad time with “Trying To pick up the Obviously Uninterested Girl” Guy, but doesn’t have to be. Sometimes this “That Guy” comes about due to the fact that your typical bouncer could give two flaming buckets of rat piss less about the following:

• What you do for a living.
• How much money you have.
• How much money your planning on spending.
• Who you know.

However “Pick a Fight With The Sober Bouncer Two Times Your Size” Guy seldom understands this due to the fact that he is primarily concerned with bolstering his self esteem over his under sized, under used man meat. But no matter how small his package may be, you can be sure that he’ll let you know:

• He knows the owner.
  
• He spends thousands of dollars a week in this bar.
  
• He’s been coming to this place before it opened.
  
• He’s got a good lawyer.
  
• He IS a good lawyer.
  
• How fucked the bouncer is once he makes this phone call.

3.”The Money Waving, Ignorant, Impatient, Jack Ass” Guy

Ahhh, “The Money Waving, Ignorant, Impatient, Jack Ass” Guy… This one is more likely to be the reason that the bartender has a bad attitude by the time he/she gets to you. This fuckstick has been waving his money in the air since he stepped up to the bar, ignoring the other hundred people there, like he’s the only one who needs a drink. Chances are his wait time has been much shorter than the rest of the people who are patiently waiting for the bartender to get to them. You can pick this guy out pretty easily, he’ll be:

• Waving his cash around leaning over the bar.
  
• Clicking, whistling, or reaching out for every passing bartender who is making a drink for the person ahead of him
  
• Placing multiple concurrent orders (Ex: I’ll have 3 shots of jack….make that four…make that five!).
  
• Monopolizing the bartender’s time to leave a single solitary dollar.
  
• Considering the dollar he left a “Hook-up”
  
• Expecting a free drink for “Hooking it up”

4.”I Look Like A Fag and Need To Fix My Collar” Guy

How much more can be said about America's favorite douchebag. You know this guy. Everyone knows this guy. More then likely still in college and if not, probably a college drop out. “I Look Like A Fag and Need To Fix My Collar” Guy Is usually never alone. Most of the time these “That Guy”‘s travel in packs and are primarily comprised of all of the “That Guy” attributes. Moving from one stage to the others with flawless transition.

So in short, don't be a fuck head, keep your opinion and personal life to yourself, fix your goddamn collar and don't be That Guy.

Honesty is the best policy when it comes to not only being funny, but being entertaining as well.

The truth, and comedy for that matter, should be like a good bowel movement. It should come out easy with no straining, because forcing it leaves you with hemorrhoids and blood in your stool.

Except if you strain or try to hard in comedy you’ll find there’s not only blood in your stool but that everyone can see it and they also think you’re not funny. And that’s not a problem that fiber supplements or Preparation H can readily fix.

Has anyone had sex in space?

Horoscopes are really good at making me fuck things up. I have something right in front of me and then I’m like, “Oh yeah I gotta remember to have perseverance about that unexpected opportunity around the corner since Venus is in line with my tits. I don't know, maybe that was Uranus, but I still have to be on my toes.”

One of the things you have to watch out for living in Brooklyn is getting jumped. I haven’t experienced it or seen it but I know it’s out there. I heard people on the subway talking about getting jumped the other day. The craziest shit is that the only place I see people jumping in Brooklyn is at the basketball courts. That must be where it happens. You’d think the cops would be smarter.

There is nothing better than eating at a 16” square table with a complete stranger at a Subway. Not only can you actually hear the other person chew, but you can actually smell their breath. Tres fantastique.